Seven Days with Holden

It's hard to believe our little boy is already a week old! We just love him so very much and the past week has brought so much joy to our family that we never even knew we were missing.

Holden is seriously the sweetest, most laid-back little guy. He only cries when he's hungry or needs changed and then he drifts back off to sleep. The boy can definitely eat and has already earned the nickname Hungry Hungry Holden (given by yours truly). Sometimes (tonight especially), he'll just look around the room, like he's just taking it all in. So much of what he does reminds me of when Aurora was that little and then she'll walk in the room and I'm quickly reminded of how fast time really does fly. And then I usually cry because I'm all hormonal right now.

Our sweet little guy also came to us with a few "special features." He has a slightly recessed chin and a cleft palate. The first couple of days were a little rough, as his cleft palate brought about some issues with feeding him, but we had the most amazing doctor and nurses working with us to find the right bottle and now we can't get the little guy to stop eating! (For anyone wondering, we started off using the Haberman Feeder, which worked well, but then the doctor introduced us to the Pigeon nipple and it works even better.) We did end up spending an extra night in the hospital so they could keep an eye on his eating and oxygen, as sometimes a cleft palate can cause issues with those, but he did just fine and we couldn't wait to bust outta there come Saturday afternoon. Seriously, the least comfortable beds either Jose or I had ever slept on in our lives. Plus we missed spending the nights with Aurora and were just so eager to get home and spend our first night together as a family of four.

By Sunday, we were starting to get a little stir crazy from being confined to a hospital room the three days prior and then the house, so we ventured out for a quick Target run to get a few things we needed. Our "quick Target run" turned into a 3-hour trip, which included three diaper changes and feeding Holden on one of the tables in the Target cafe area. #toosoon

Monday and Tuesday were both a little rough.

On Monday, we took Holden in for his first doctor appointment and he actually had a really good report since his weight was right where it needed it be. However, talking to the doctor about some of the surgeries that he'll likely have to undergo in the future got the better of me and I walked out of there in tears. I spent the rest of the day in a postpartum depression/anxiety-type state. I never thought I had postpartum depression with Aurora but I'm starting to think that I did. I always thought postpartum depression was more like not wanting to be with your baby or have anything to do with them and that was never the case. I remember feeling emptiness/numbness, even though my heart was so full. I remember constantly worrying about every little thing that could possibly harm her. I remember feeling like I was simply going through the motions of my "new normal" and that I wasn't good enough to be her mom. I've had those same feelings with Holden, but have read those are all signs of postpartum depression as well. The good thing is that I know eventually those feelings will go away and, in the meantime, they kind of come and go so I'm trying to make the most of when they're not there.

Tuesday was rough, mostly because it was just one of those days where it seemed that anything that could go wrong, did. Our water heater went out, so Jose was gone most of the morning picking out a new one and making arrangements to have it installed that same day, so we wouldn't have to be without. Then, part of the Pigeon nipple we use to feed Holden was wearing out (already!), so Jose was calling and running all over town trying to get ahold of a new one. It was emotionally overwhelming for me, but probably way more overwhelming for him. Either way, by about 3:00 in the afternoon, a new water heater had been installed and he'd finally been able to get ahold of some new Pigeon nipples for Holden's bottles, so we were back in business.

But today was a good day. Our little man is a week old. We got a few things done around the house, made another attempt to get out of the house, and now we're back at home binge-watching Friends on Netflix. Both kiddos are asleep. Life is good. Crazy at times, but good, and there are no other humans I would rather be on this journey with than my little family of four.

I should also mention how grateful we are to both our families. I feel like I say this all the time, but we really have the very best support system because of them and life would be twenty million times crazier if we didn't have our families keeping us sane. Also, my heart is overflowing by the love and support we've received from other family, friends, and co-workers... kind words, overwhelming generosity, random texts, messages, and emails from people "just checking in"... it all means so much... Okay, I'm a hormonal mess now, so I'm signing off. Xo