It Could Be Worse

When people would ask me, even as recently as a month ago, what my plans for my maternity leave were, my answer was always something like, "Oh, I can’t wait to just be with my babies all summer! ...Sitting outside and soaking up the sunshine, going to the zoo and the beach, and just really savoring my time with them!" That was it – lazy summer with the kiddos. What my plans did not include were a series of doctor appointments, which would ultimately lead to a 3-4 week stay at Riley Children’s Hospital with my less-than-one-month-old. My plans did not include missing out on some of my daughter's "special" moments because of said doctor appointments and hospital visit. I guess sometimes, no matter how much we plan or how much we think we have our ducks in a row, God just has something else in mind. While it’s not always easy, we just have to roll with it, knowing that there’s something to take away from the situation and that it’s all part of a much bigger picture. The hardest part is trying to figure out just what I’m supposed to take away from all this. Why on Earth would God do this to my sweet little boy? While I don’t know the answer to that question at this time, being at this hospital has shown me that it could be worse. It could be way worse. Holden’s issues are treatable. His first year will probably be the hardest, but he should have a fairly normal life after all this. My heart breaks for all the families whose children will have their conditions their whole lives… for the children whose conditions will end up costing them their lives. I fall apart each time my sweet boy has to go back for another test. Yet I know the amount of tests and surgeries he’ll have to undergo are minimal compared to what other parents and children are going through. The past few weeks have been the worst weeks of my life. I've been pretty depressed and my mind has been in a totally negative place. And then today, while eating lunch in the NICU lounge, Jose and I met a girl. She told us about how she's been here since January - JANUARY. Her baby girl was 1 pound when she was born and has issues with both her brain and her intestines. She has to have a trach put in and will likely have it her entire life. As this girl was sitting there telling us all of this - in a completely optimistic tone, I might add - I felt sick to my stomach. Sick for her for having to go through all that. But then also so guilty. Here I've been so down and out over something that Holden will eventually outgrow. He will have a chance at a normal life once all this is over. I so believe that God put his young girl in front of me today as a reminder to count my blessings. Because it could be worse. It could be way worse.