Holden had his third and, hopefully, final surgery last Thursday to repair his cleft palate. We've heard all along that cleft palate repair was by far the worst of the three, in terms of recovery, so we were especially dreading this one.
We decided to have a family day at the zoo the day before, since we figured we wouldn't be getting out much for a while afterword. The weather was perfect. Both kids were well-behaved. And, honestly, it was just a good freaking day all around. Days like that are so good for the soul!
We stayed in a hotel that evening and my mother-in-law joined us. I remember feeling so guilty and awful every time I looked at Holden because he was all smiles the entire day and I just felt so bad that he had no clue what was coming. It was different this time around because he was so much more aware. He'd come such a long way from his last surgery and, aside from still having his g-tube, we almost started feeling as though we had a "normal" baby. How much would this surgery change that? But, obviously, it was for the better and needed to be done.
We didn't need to be to the hospital until 11:45 the next morning, because his surgery wasn't until 1:15, but we got there about a half hour early and they set us up in a pre-op room. I swear, my stomach is always in knots before his surgeries because my mind is filled with every single, extremely unlikely, one-in-a-billion-type scenario of how things could go wrong. And this morning was no different. We hung out for a bit, answered a bunch of questions for the nurses, etc.
When we were talking to the anesthesia nurse, she asked when the last time Holden was sick was, which we told her was earlier in April, but that he'd been to the doctor just a week ago and they'd given him a clean bill of health for surgery. What we didn't realize was that after taking a steroid, which he did for his cough, we should've waited 4-6 weeks before he had surgery. We had spoken to his plastic surgeon's nurse earlier that week and were under the impression that, as long as he wasn't sick at the time of surgery, he'd be good to go. Also, Holden always had some kind of congestion due to the cleft palate so, had we waited for him to be completely healthy, he'd never have surgery. So the nurse expressed that she was pretty concerned that he'd only been off his steroid for about 2 weeks and that she would need to talk to the anesthesiologist, who would need to also discuss this with the plastic surgeon. Jose and I were pretty much freaking out at this point. He'd used up all his vacation time for this and for Holden's recovery needs after the surgery. We were so mentally prepared to have this over and done with. Having to wait a few more weeks for him to have surgery would be horrible. But, at the same time, I 100% trusted his doctors and knew they'd make the right decision for him.
A few minutes later, the anesthesiologist came in to talk to us. He expressed his concerns that there could be some issues extubating Holden, but also said that if there was any kind of huge red flag, they would not go through with it, and that it was basically up to us. No pressure. Just our child's life depending on us, in this very moment right now, to make the right decision. Naturally, my first thought went to last summer when Holden failed his first extubation and I was like, "There's no way we can do this." But then I remembered that was because his airway was still too small at the time, which was no longer the case, so that was irrelevant. The anesthesiologist hadn't said anything about him failing the extubation being a possibility, he'd just said that the cough he'd had could flare up again and cause breathing issues for him coming out of extubation. Still pretty serious stuff. After asking the anesthesiologist 1,000 more questions, we did feel more assured and decided that going through with the surgery would be the right choice. But I remember sitting there after he left and hoping we'd made the right decision.
A few minutes later, the nurse came in and got Holden to take him back to surgery. It was so quick. She just picked him up and walked away. I watched them walk away for as far as I could see. He didn't even look back to see if Mommy and Daddy were coming with him. Here it was. The moment I've been dreading for so long, as I imagined he'd be kicking and screaming the whole way back, and he didn't bat an eye. It was actually pretty unusual for him to just go with a stranger so easily, but it was the reassurance I needed at the time, that he was going to be okay. Although, I did torment myself later, as I imagined him getting back there and realizing we weren't there and then kicking and screaming as they put him under.
We were told to wait in the pre-op room for his first doctor to come out when he was done putting Holden's tubes in, basically because it's a pretty quick procedure. After about 30 minutes, he came out and told us anesthesia went great and tubes went in great. We thanked him and then wished him well, as he was going to be leaving the hospital and moving across the country, so we wouldn't be seeing him anymore. Question: How do you properly thank someone who does something so life-changing for your child?
Then we went out to the lobby where families wait during surgery. We ate lunch, then hung out and waited for updates from the nurses. The time actually went by pretty fast. We were originally told the surgery would end around 4:30, so we were a little surprised when they called us back to the consultation room around 3:30. Of course, my mind went straight to something went wrong and they need to let us know. One of the billions of things I love about Holden's plastic surgeon is that, when he walks into the consultation room, the first words out of his mouth are, "Surgery went great." Some doctors start off with medical terminology and I have to decipher if they're heading in a good direction or bad direction. I like that he eases your mind right when he walks through the door. We chatted with him a bit about what recovery might look like and things of that nature and then headed back out to the lobby until they called us back to recovery.
Another moment I'd been, obviously impatiently waiting, but also dreading was walking back to the recovery area. Back when Holden had his distractors taken out and we were in the recovery area with him, there was another little boy--maybe about 4-5 years old--that was just screaming for his mom. I remember looking over and seeing her just run to him, panicking. He may have just been freaked out coming out of surgery, I don't really know, but that moment is engraved in both Jose's and my mind and I prayed so many times that we wouldn't experience that with Holden.
Honestly, I felt God's presence in such a crazy way when we got back to the recovery area. The nurse that walked us over to him said they were all so surprised with how calm he was post-surgery. She said that most kids come out pretty upset after palate repair. We thought maybe it was the pain meds, but she said that they all get the same types of meds and that he was just really different than what they were used to. She told us he'd been clinging to one of the nurses and when we turned the corner, we saw this nurse sitting there, rocking our sweet baby, as he slept in her arms. My heart freaking exploded. The nurse stood up to hand him off to me and his eyes barely opened as he reached for me and my heart exploded even more. Each time Jose and I are on our way back to the recovery area, he'll jokingly walk fast like he's going to beat me there and get to hold Holden first. And then every time, he let's me go first. All I could think about in that moment, other than that I was pretty uncomfortable because my back was arched trying to keep Holden upright, was all the people over the past few months who have told me they're praying for our little guy and praying that everything goes well for him. Talk about God's grace just pouring over you.
Throughout my life, I've always heard people, either at church, or on TV, or wherever, tell a story and then say something like, "It was in that moment that I knew God was real." So many times I thought, "Well, I've never really had that. But I do have a compilation of smaller moments where I've definitely felt His presence or grace." And I was always fine with that. However, I felt so much in that moment in the recovery room, that I can honestly say I think that was my moment. I know that sounds so weird. And maybe a little crazy. But it was just such an overwhelmingly peaceful feeling that I know I'll never forget. Of course, I only wish that Aurora would have been in there with us. (Only Jose and I could go back to the recovery area, so Jose's mom stayed with her.)
After spending a little bit longer in the recovery area, we were taken up to our room. Holden slept for the rest of the day. My mother-in-law took Aurora back home so she could go to school the next day. At night, we tried laying him down. They said if we laid him down at all, he should sleep with this little oxygen box over his head to help his breathing. Holden laid there for about five minutes just looking around this box, probably wondering wtf was happening, before he flipped over, knocking the box off of him and made it clear to us that he wasn't going to be sleeping in the bed that night. Okay, buddy, tonight you win.
The next day we hung out in the room and waited to see a g-tube doctor. We had asked about having his g-tube changed, as he'd ripped the plug off of it the week before. We were hoping for some kind of quick fix (temporary plug, etc.), since he hopefully won't be using it much longer, but the best option ended up being to switch it out entirely with a different type of g-tube. The g-tube he had was made to last inside of him for quite some time, which I think it would've if he hadn't ripped the plug part off, so getting this type out is a little bit more complex. Basically they had to push his stomach down pretty far--which he actually handled pretty well and didn't cry until they were almost done--and use a tool to elongate a piece inside, so that it can come out. During this process, his stomach contents come out, so pretty much he was vomiting from his g-tube hole while they switched it out. Probably the grossest thing I've ever seen, but it was super quick and they just popped the new one right in. Again, hopefully he won't have to eat through it much longer. And when he is done, it pops out a bit easier than the one he had.
After that, we were good to go! We signed off on everything and were ready to head home. Holden was still pretty hopped up on pain meds, which made for a peaceful ride home. We were just happy to be back and ready to conquer the recovery!
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