Finding Jenna

I don't know what it is about having a baby that always ("always" as in both times) makes me rethink everything I'm doing in life. I think about my dreams and my future and the whole "Life is too short to do anything that doesn't make you happy" motto. It's like these tiny, little humans make me want to just go out and do all the things that will make them super proud to have me as their mom. It's inspiring in the weirdest way. Like, how can I tell them to always follow their dreams if I'm not doing the same? 

This same thing happened when I had Aurora. Once my maternity leave was over, I returned to my job in retail. I'd honestly loved my job up until this point. But all of a sudden, working 3+ weekends out of the month and most of my holidays just wasn't working out for me anymore. Turns out, I'm a huge family person and with them is where I always want to be. Whenever I'd think about whatever it was that I always dreamed about doing but never actually did, my mind always took me back to fashion school. It was one of those things that, as a 27 year-old mom, I'd kinda filed in my "Shoulda, coulda, woulda" file. Yet, I felt like I kept seeing signs here and there that were telling me to go for it. So, in the fall of 2011 (Aurora was 1), I started talking with an advisor and working on a scholarship project for FIDM. For the first time since college (okay high school, if we're being honest), I busted my ass on a project. Only this time it was different. This time, it was something I wanted to do vs just doing it because it was assigned. I think I actually skipped Easter with my family that year to get my project in by the deadline. But when my advisor called me that June and told me that I'd won a scholarship to the school, I felt like all my hard work had paid off and was totally worth it. Unfortunately, there were some other things that didn't line up at the time, and we ended up not being able to make the move... To L.A... I know!!! Now, I'd be lying if I said I didn't spend the next few weeks in a minor depression (think Carrie Bradshaw when Big doesn't show up for the wedding state of mind), but then I went back to my analytical "What was the reasoning for all this happening, if it wasn't meant to be?" mentality and, while I didn't come up with much, I decided that it was, if nothing else, a confidence booster and a reminder of where my passion lies. This is something that has definitely stuck with me since then. 

Fast forward about a year. I quit my job in retail for a Monday through Friday 8-fiver. While the first job I took that got me out of working weekends and holidays turned out to be a total crapshoot and, literally, THE. WORST. JOB. EVER., I'm now so incredibly fortunate to be working where I do and with the most amazing bunch of people. My first day back from my maternity leave is this coming Wednesday, and I'm actually not dreading it. However, somewhere in between career changes, and becoming Jose's wife and Aurora and Holden's mama, I sort of feel like my passion has gotten a bit lost in the shuffle and, in some way, I've kind of lost a big part of who I am. Now, I'm certainly not complaining because, let me tell you what, being a wife and a mom are truly the best titles I've ever earned and definitely the best I ever will. And, the whole getting lost in the shuffle thing is 100% on me, because Jose is always on board with me taking time out for myself. It's just the whole mom guilt thing that prevents me from doing that very often, without feeling absolutely horrible for it afterwords. But. The older I get, the more I realize there's also something to be said about taking time for yourself that makes you even better at your wife and mama duties. 

So. Back to my whole "the baby made me do it" point I'm trying to make... I've been doing some thinking lately. About life and dreams and all that jazz and, once again, my mind has me back at fashion. Not, like, moving the family across the country to pursue it, but more like annoying my Facebook friends and anyone else who will listen and appreciate my somewhat self-indulgent outfit pictures kinda pursuing. And in more of a fun, little hobby type of way than a flipping our lives upside down kinda way. I remember when my friends used to ask me to go shopping with them to help them pick out outfits, or to come over before we would go out to help them get ready. I didn't realize how much I appreciated that until it stopped happening. 

So. Here I am (below) in my first official outfit selfie. (Not counting the however-many months of bump selfies because those were strictly 100% about the bump. Okay, maybe 96% about the bump.) And I have to tell you, I've already learned so much about myself. Like, how super awkward and uncomfortable I am when it comes to selfies. Like, what do I even do with the hand that's not holding my phone? And my legs. How do I stand so the focus is on the outfit and not on my thighs that scream out that I just ate a full container of Oreos?? Cookies! It's always cookies!

Back to the outfit. Right. So this is my current usual attire: t-shirt, jeans,... okay, these shoes might be a step up from my flip flops, but this is me. Trying to find my way back to Jenna from the block. Actually, it was more like Jenna from the cul-de-sac. A toned down version of the 20-something, fashion-obsessed Jenna, who's motto in life was "clothes before bros". Clothes before anything, really.